The Ultimate List of Funny Dad Jokes
Dad jokes are the kind of jokes that make you groan and facepalm at the same time. They’re often cheesy, pun-filled, and just plain bad. But for some reason, we can’t help but love them.
I don’t know about your dad, but mine is notorious for always finding opportunities to slip in a corny joke. They always involved wordplay, some physical humor, or puns. No matter what it is, he ended it with a “OOW!” noise, like the noise you make if you get elbowed in the stomach. That is always his cherry on top of his dad joke.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”? When it becomes apparent.
Okay, even that one was brutal.
Whether you’re a dad yourself or you just appreciate a good dad joke, we’ve rounded up the best dad jokes from around the internet. From classic dad humor to dad jokes that are so bad they’re good, we’ve got all the dad joke laughs you need.
Best Dad Jokes
Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything!
Q: Want to hear a construction joke?
A: Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Q: Why did the gym close down?
A: It just didn’t work out!
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It’s fine, he woke up.
Q: You know what I saw today?
A: Everything I looked at.
Q: Why are ghosts such bad liars?
A: Because they are easy to see through.
Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go out on dates?
A: Because they don’t have the guts!
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
A: An abdominal snowman!
Q: Want to hear a joke about paper?
A: Never mind, it’s tearable.
Q: I just starting reading a book on anti-gravity.
A: I can’t put it down!
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven eight nine!
Q: How do you throw a space party?
A: You planet!
Q: Want to hear a joke about oxygen?
A: I can’t breathe.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
Q: How do you catch a cheetah?
A: You tie him to a post!
Q: How does a rabbi make coffee?
A: Hebrews it!
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a fly with chopsticks?
A: Make a noise like a sushi bar!
Q: What’s the best way to catch a monkey?
A: Climb a tree and act like a banana.
Q: How do we know that the Earth is round?
A: Because it’s shaped like a ball!
Q: How do you know when a vampire has been in your house?
A: All the blood is gone!
Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away her W!
Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite fruit?
A: Brain-anas.
Q: How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A: Tickle his funny bone!
Q: How do you make a witch scream?
A: Paint her house blue!
Q: What’s a monster’s favorite food?
A: Brain- burgers on the grill.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: How does Dracula like his steak?
A: Rare!
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
A: A poultrygeist.
Q: I used to be a banker…
A: …but I lost interest.
Q: I tried to catch some fog…
A: …but I mist.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extended vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.
Q: I invented a new word…
A: Plagiarism!
Q: I’m not being rude.
A: You’re just irrelevant.
Q: I wanted to be a lumberjack…
A: …but I couldn’t hack it.
Q: I’m not a proctologist…
A: …but I know an asshole when I see one.
Q: I’m so good at sleeping…
A: …I can do it with my eyes closed!
Q: I just watched a documentary about beavers.
A: It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen!
Q: I was going to tell you a joke about pizza…
A: …but it’s too cheesy.
Q: Why is sand so optimistic?
A: It has a can-dune attitude.
Q: Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm?
A: He was a s-moo-th talker.
Q: What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?
A: “I’m a big fan.”
Q: Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
A: The sink.
Q: Why do two tall people get along so well?
A: The could really see eye to eye.
Q: Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
A: Sure, but then they makeup.
Q: How do you weigh a millennial?
A: In Instagrams.
Q: What do sprinters eat before a race?
A: Nothing — they fast.
Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
A: It was two-tired.
Q: My son asked me to put his shoes on…
A: …but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Q: What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A: A bed.
Q: Why are spiders so smart?
A: They can find everything on the web.
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: It gets jalapeño business.
Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
A: 1forrest1
Q: Someone told me that I should write a book.
A: I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
Q: Why do melons have weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: I told my doctor I heard buzzing…
A: …he said it’s just a bug going around.
Q: What kind of music do chiropractors like?
A: Hip pop.
Q: Why is cold water so insecure?
A: Because it’s never called hot.
Q: Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth….
A: …then it becomes a soap opera.
Q: I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance…
A: …so I pushed her over.
Q: Sundays are always a little sad…
A: …but the day before is a Sadder-day.
Q: Which U.S. state has the most streets?
A: Rhode Island.
Q: Why did the coach go to the bank?
A: To get his quarterback.
Q: My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store…
A: …I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Q: I was addicted to the hokey pokey…
A: …but I turned myself around.
Q: How long should socks be?
A: Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot.
Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: A hug and a quiche.
Q: What did one DNA say to the other DNA?
A: “Do these genes make me look fat?”
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food, no atmosphere.
Q: Did you hear the rumor about butter?
A: Well, I’m not going to spread it!
Q: What’s the difference between a man wearing pajamas on a bicycle and a guy wearing a tuxedo on a unicycle?
A: Attire.
Q: Can February March?
A: No, but April May.
Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date.
Q: I’ve been breeding racing deer as a side hustle.
A: Just trying to make a quick buck.
